Halloween Countdown (Day 23: Slam Jam)

This review was meant to be posted yesterday, but I feel asleep due to being awake for just over 30 hours. Just as well I had a back up blog post. Anyways, it was while watching "See No Evil" that the following movie came to mind. What better way to follow a film with a pro wrestler playing a psychopath, than a film with a pro wrestler playing a psychopath.....while being an actual wrestler. Oh yes, there will be spoilers.

This was another film I found in the horror section on YouTube, and I had a feeling that I would get around to watching it this month for this blog. It seemed right down my alley when I read the description. The original title for this movie was "El Mascardo Massacre", but it was soon changed to:

This also had the working title of "The Mexican Porn Massacre"
.....I'm not joking.

And if you've never heard or seen this flick, here is the full movie courtesy of YouTube:

75 minutes later.....

Well, the film was, erm.....I would say "disappointing", but then again, I didn't expect much from a movie about a killer luchador. Sure it's a low budget movie with a ridiculous storyline, horrendous acting, and has scenes which I guess were somewhat violent, but it just wasn't "fun" to watch, even with those elements in mind. I'm guessing the makers of this flick wanted the film to be played out straight, but in the end, it doesn't work in their favour.

And it's hard to guess what the next 75 minutes of the film is going to be like when it begins with a woman covered in fake blood screaming out of an old church, cuts to the opening credits with Mariachi music playing over ancient footage of Mexican Lucha Libre Wrestling, with the opening dialogue coming from a sleazy guy with a moustache telling the audience what a "dirty sanchez" is. Lot of mixed signals there, and we've only just started.

The group of victims in this movie consist of a sleazy porn director (I think his name was Alfonso, but I'm just gonna be lazy as usual and not check the facts), a fat cameraman (who looks like a slimmed down version of Hurley from "Lost"), three female pornstars (who I'll just call "Blondie", "Drunky" and Dallas, the latter as it was the only character name I could remember) and Blondie's brother (who owns the van they're all in), a stereotypical stoner idiot, who reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby Doo after a lobotomy. After a run-in with a "crazy local" who tells them of a ghost town nearby, the group head towards this location for their "film".

The characters have no real redeeming qualities to them in terms of personality, so it's hard to root for them throughout this film. For a while I thought the "hero" of the film was the slimmed down Hurley, as he was supposed to be the "nice but annoying" one of the group, he's of Mexican descent, so he knows about the wrestling legends and knows some Spanish. But then again, he's just as nice and annoying as the actual Hurley in "Lost".

But it turns out to be Dallas in the third act. I guess it's because she's the only one of the three women who looks less like a crack addict. And she was the only one not to show her boobs in the "porn shoot". And if you want to know (pervert), you'll find more nudity in "The Neverending Story" than this. But then again, she's the one that has the most work done, surgery wise, and looks like a cross between Fergie (from Black Eyed Peas), and Chasey Lain (the subject of a Bloodhound Gang song). But if I was to hazard to guess, I think she was cast in this film because she could do the following for one scene:

It's not as funny/horrifying/sexy as you may think.

And since I had no interest in the well-being of the other characters, it's all down to the wrestling manic known as "El Mascarado", played by Rey Misterio Sr. (yes, he is the uncle of THAT Rey Mysterio in WWE). Granted he's no more ridiculous as Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees in terms of masked movie monsters. Hell, even "Voorhees" is painted on the side of one of the buildings. But he really becomes less interesting when his victims just look like he just smeared jam over their faces.

Okay, so gore is not his forte. So how about wrestling? Well he would be more threatening if we actually saw him wrestling, instead of two moves, a lot of throwing people around and walking very very slowly. There is a backstory where he was the sum of the parts of three missing Mexican wrestlers, but is that any reason for him not having the ability to run?

As for the "wrestling spots", not only are they under utilised, but they are thrown in at the worst times. El Mascardo's fight with Alfonso (or is it Alfonsa), was given more screentime in terms of throwing Alfonso around (four or five times on a bench), beating him up and killing him, than the "match" against Slimmed Down Hurley, luchador mask and all. Alfonso was no more important than Drunky (wandered off for no real reason), Shaggy (just useless to the plot and even offensive to Cheech & Chong) or Blondie (well, she was gonna die to be fair). So how did the showdown with SD Hurley go?

It starts with a face off, and just before we see them collide, the camera cuts to the corridor outside the room where the action is happening, with the camera slowly heading towards the closed doors to the room. Amid the sound effects of what we're supposed to imagine (instead of actually WATCHING a wrestling match involving a psychotic WRESTLER), Blondie tries to escape, and El Mascerdo breaks her back. But SD Hurley gets up, and THEN we see some wrestling moves. It lasts about about under a minute, in which SD Hurley is beaten, and then he rips off Blondie's face.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but what was the point in drawing out Alfonso's death when that much time and effort could be invested in the match with SD Hurley. Hell, if they wanted to make a big deal of Alfonso's death, why couldn't they just do the corridor shot for him instead? As for the "match" itself, is that the big build up? Couldn't they have thrown in a little more wrestling scenes? Sure they may be cheesy, but look what the movie is called? Wouldn't showing El Mascardo in action be the given thing in a film like this? I know Mysterio is old and SD Hurley is, well, slightly smaller than the real Hurley. But couldn't Blondie be thrown in the mix? I know it may be a bit predictable in itself but.....

.....okay I'll stop now.

Maybe it's wise not to look into too much of the flaws of a film that was originally called "The Mexican Pornstar Massacre", so I think I'll should just move on and wrap this up as soon as I can. So in the final act, it's a series of chase sequences involving El Mascardo and his target, Dallas. She runs and hide a few times, we have a scene where SD Hurley's barely alive after having his face ripped off.....and we didn't see THAT in the match.....ahem, must not get distracted.

The other notable thing other than the crab leg trick in the final act is the part where Dallas' jean shorts get caught on a car door, and they are ripped off while running away. This just comes off as cheesy and stupid, instead of funny. And I know it's just an excuse to show up a close up of her ass afterwards. The whole movie has plenty of shots of women's asses, for any reason at all, for running, walking, hell, even when the chick is passed out.

With that aside, we end off with the opening scene of the film where we now know it was Dallas that was running out of that old church, heading towards the truck, where in the end she gets impaled by a spiked pole goes through her abdomen, he grabs the keys to the truck, and drives off into the sunset. To me it's a very so-so ending, as I am indifferent to any of the characters in the film, so this finale doesn't resonate with me.

It's just made worse where there is backstage footage of the actor who played SD Hurley rapping to the camera describing scenes from the movie. What a slap to the face after getting the proverbial kick in the balls, of which entailed watching this movie. Ladies and gentlemen, the tale of unlikable jerks killed off by a slow moving Frankenstein monster on steroids.

Wait a minute. Slow moving? So how did Dallas get a pole through her while she was running towards the truck? Everyone was able to run away from him no problem. They were able to prepare themselves when they know he is walking towards their direction. So how did El Mascardo kill her? Did he run into invisible ropes which gave him super speed? Did he throw the pipe? If so, how come it went straight through her, instead of coming at her at an angle? Was he that powerful? Did he have to run first? But if he can't run, then how could.....

FIN

And on a final note.....

In honour of the director's decision to shoot many close ups of women's bums throughout the film:

Halloween Countdown (Day 21: Citizen Kane)

Sometimes I think it's stubbornness that's driving me to write up these blog posts. And the fact that I've run out of ideas for quick and easy articles, as the last one actually took longer than expected. So, onto Day 21, with the WWE produced "See No Evil", starring one of my favourite wrestlers. Oh yes, there will be spoilers.....I really must get around to "Saw: The Final Chapter" in the next few days.

.....oh I get it, ahahaha.....

Okay, WHY did you pick this movie?

That's the thing, I didn't. A mate of mine called to my house before I went into town, and he suggested that we watched a comedy. So we went onto Netflix, and I was browsing through the Horror section, because as much as I like my comedies, I wanted to keep with the horror theme this month, what with these time consuming blog posts, I could do with the inspiration.

So my mate hovered over "See No Evil", and I made a reference to the star of the movie, Glenn Jabobs, who is better known by his WWE alias, Kane. And his lesser known gimmicks, Dr. Isaac Yankem D.D.S., and Fake Diesel.

My mate never heard of the movie, so I told him it was a WWE movie where Kane goes around killing people. I mentioned that I haven't seen it in years, but I remember it not being as bad as critics made it out to be. He was hesitant at first to watch it, but we agreed to watch the first ten minutes of the film, just to see Kane kill someone, and find something else to watch.

85 minutes later.....

We watched it to the end, and laughed our asses off throughout the whole movie. I never realised how unintentionally funny "See No Evil" actually is. It does have a fair bit of violence, gore, crude language and some partial nudity, which is surprising as it was produced by WWE Studios, who also produced "The Marine" and "The Condemned" at the time, which were generic action flicks whose only purpose was to turn its "superstars" into action flick stars in the vein of, well, the cast members of "The Expendables" franchise (which also includes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin).

However, because it was a WWE film, expectations and standards were pretty low from the get go. While the film can be praised for some elements that were surprising, it was also guilty of poor characters, a plot filled with many holes, and some weird scenes. If it didn't have the backing of the WWE, this movie would have been easily dismissed and forgotten, but I'm unsure whether it would have gotten more or less favourable reviews. Personally, the fact that it's a WWE film helps when watching it, especially if you are going to rip the piss out of it.

The story is not an entirely original one, as it does come off as "Friday 13th" set in the hotel from "The Shining", but it'll do as the plot for a generic slasher film. A group of young convicts, along with two guards keeping an eye on them, go into an abandoned hotel to clean it up, in an effort to reducing their sentences in the way of community service. One by one they get picked off, along with their eyeballs, by Jacob Goodnight (played by Kane, but I'll be referring him as Kane throughout this article because, let's face it, it's Kane), whom one of the guards had a run in with him several years earlier, as the survivors try to find a way to stop him and escape the hotel.

Normally I don't give an outline to the plot of the films I've been looking at this month, but I'm doing so just to point out some of the holes throughout the film (I'm sure there's more that I can't think of at the moment, but this list will have to do).

• Are these convicts meant to be teenagers? If so, they're about as convincing as the teenagers in "Beverley Hills 90210"
• How come male and female convicts are allowed to congregate with each other? Isn't that the whole point of separate prisons?
• Why are they wearing civilian clothing, and not prisoner outfits? They even have accessories such as designer glasses and MP3 players.
• Why are there only two guards assigned to look after eight prisoners in a huge abandoned hotel? Infact, why are they even allowed to stay there overnight?
• Do the guards not check whether any of the prisoners are hostile, in the event that one of them may start attacking people?
• Why is it that when the male guard finds out about a connection between two of the prisoners, where one of them could be in danger, he doesn't do anything about it?
• Why is it that the only person with any mobile phone signal is the blonde chick? No wait, scratch that, why are they even allowed to carry a mobile phone?
• Why is the owner of the abandoned warehouse allowed to stay in the same vicinity as convicted criminals, especially when there's not enough guards to protect her?

If I was to hazard a guess, I'd say the original plot was to have a bunch of teenagers, each with their own character cliche (the strong female lead, the goth, the nerd, the slut, the token black guy, the jock/jerk, the nondescript couple) who wander into a dilapidated hotel for the night, with unexpected results. But I guess they had to change the story to fit with the opening scene where the guard first fought Kane, hence turning the kids into convicts.

Believe me, you'll be making a lot of wrestling references throughout the film.

With those niggling issues aside, there is fun to be had with the Kane character killing off these people, and the ways his victims meet their end. It's also funny to see the usual horror film cliches pop up, along with stupid moments from the convicts where you'd swear they were begging to be found and hacked up. But there are other times where the film takes some surprising twists, some of which could be seen as clever or surprising, such as the early demise of the only character with the most developed backstory compared to the rest of the cast, the male guard.

But of course, because it's Kane, and while he does a pretty good job as a screen monster, there are other times where you can't help but laugh at him. The weirdest scene out of the whole film is when he has the goth looking chick with tattoos in a cage, and it looks like he is pleasuring himself while staring at her. Granted there is the backstory where it shows how he turned out the way he is, and the connection with the religious tattoos the chick has.....but it's Kane pleasuring himself. Ladies and gentlemen, WWE Studios is proud to present.....Wa-Kane Off!

Then again, maybe Kane just digs chicks with tattoos.....I can relate to that.

But the funniest part of the film has to be the undignified demise of Kane. It's one thing to get a pipe to the eye and fall from a window a few stories onto a glass roof below. But when said pipe hits the window ledges in a comical fashion along the way, and the added insult of a dog urinating into the empty eye socket at the very end, you can't help but laugh out loud.

So it turned out to be a comedy after all, albeit in the form of a "by the book" horror flick. Despite its many flaws, there were still plenty of good things about it, and it was entertaining to watch. Well, at least I found it entertaining, and while my mate says it's a terrible movie, he did have fun watching it, even clapping at one point due to the originality of a particular scene that I can't quite remember. But he did come up with one brilliant joke, which I'm jealous that I didn't think of it first.

"With all those dead bodies, at least he knows the name of a good Undertaker."

And on a final note.....

The finest moment in Kane's WWE career.

Raw Is Fozzie

Okay, once again I'm at home, and without something meaningful or interesting to write about. So I may as well write a blog entry on something that I have an on-off interest with; wrestling. I can't remember when exactly I stopped watching it regularly, but I think it's around the time Hulk Hogan came into TNA and changed the ring from six sides to four, WWE was starting to push one of the Spirit Squad, in the form of Dolph Ziggler, and the rest of the ECW originals were being put to pasture. After that, I only get updated on current wrestling events from friends who still watch it, and the odd PPV, especially Royal Rumble.

I can't remember the last time I watched an entire episode of Raw, now that I'm not living at home, and have no access to Sky Sports. And it had gotten to a point that wrestling was starting to bore me to the point that I wasn't even interested in the computer games anymore, which I bought on a yearly basis, except for the last one. I started asking myself who half the the roster was nowadays, along with questioning why certain wrestlers still have a job (Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, That Little Bastard Hornswaggle), and there was nothing to bring me back to watching wrestling on a regular basis.

But considering that it was the 1000th episode of Raw, and it was the first of its 3 hour long runtime, I was intrigued as to what the episode had to offer. As I'm in no way going to write an indepth review of the episode, considering it's almost one week old, and I have don't have the current knowledge of the programming anymore, I'm just gonna summarize what thoughts were going through my head while watching it.

D-X Reunion

The segment was the usual nostalgia mixed with self referential injokes, and I have no idea who the hell Damien Sandow is, but he seems to be good on the mike, so I have no problem with his character, even though it's been seen many times before (see Chris Nowinski, The Genius, and strangely enough, Hunter Hearst Helmsley).

I just thought it was funny that they brought everyone from D-X except Chyna. Then again, I don't think they can bring her in to promote the Avengers XXX movie.

And I thought the Playboy shoots were disturbing.

1st Match/JR cameo

I must say, I did not miss the constant plugs for BBQ sauce, or references to "slobberknockers", although I dig his goatee. And while I understand Y2J's role as enhancement talent these days, what with his commitments to Fozzy, I just wish it wasn't to push Dolph Ziggler. I'm sorry, but he will always be that guy from the male cheerleading squad.

WWE Tout

Ugh.....moving on.....

Charlie Sheen

Really? I don't know who is more desperate for publicity, Charlie Sheen or the WWE. Sure he's one step above Kevin Federline, but.....jeez.

2nd Match/Brodus Clay's Theme Tune

I'm sorry, but everytime I hear that tune, my mind goes back to Ernest "The Cat" Miller's unfortunate spell in WWE (see video below). But on the plus side, it's good to know that Jack Swagger has been reduced to jobber status. Now if only Dolph Ziggler would suffer the same fate.

The Wedding/The Rock

Okay the whole wedding angle has been done to death, but I guess it's something to end a current storyline, and I do get a kick out of seeing American Dragon.....I MEAN, Bryan Danielson.....I MEAN, Daniel Bryan, getting decent screen time, considering that match he had at Wrestlemania with Sheamus. I still don't know who he pissed off backstage to be reduced to a joke.

And I like the interaction between him, CM Punk and The Rock, and is a nice teaser for the Royal Rumble next year. As for AJ being the Raw general manager.....well, considering that the general manager thing has become a joke at this stage, I have no real opinion of it. Although I wish I saw the episode where The Muppets were the general managers.

3rd Match/Bret Hart cameo

Nice to see Bret Hart at the show, even if it was a bit pointless. As for The Miz being the Intercontinental Champion, well, I suppose they've always wanted to push him whenever possible, ever since his attempts at winning Tough Enough. Other than that, he doesn't bother me that much, but I think that's more to do with my lack of interest in the current wrestling product.

ANOTHER Triple H promo

This brought me back to the Evolution days, where Triple H would shite on for 20-30 minutes on Raw. I guess when you're the son in law of the owner of WWE, it's one of the perks. I do have some respect for Brock Lesnar, but he still looks like a baby in a sumo suit. But it was great to see Paul Heyman onscreen, as I always enjoyed his persona and his mic skills, along with respect for his writing not just with ECW, but when he was the writer on Smackdown.

Stone Cold vs McMahon segment

Hmm, maybe there's a reason why Steve Austin was not present, but I'm too lazy to do a Google Search to find out why.

Hornswaggle

Seriously, WHY is he still there?

4th Match/Legends

I only know of Heath Slater through watching one episode of NXT, and I guess he's doing the Randy Orton way of going against the "legends". But unsuccessfully from the looks of it. Whether he's supposed to be a joke, I'm not sure. But I do get a kick of seeing former wrestlers from the past throughout the show, and how could you not love Faarooq/Ron Simmons' contribution at the end?

As for Lita.....yeah, I still would.

Wocka Wocka Wocka!

And yes, I "popped" for the appearance of Fozzie Bear. Of all the wrestlers, new and old, along with the celebrity cameos, that have appeared so far, the one that brought a smile to my face, that filled my little heart with joy, was Fozzie. What can I say? I love the Muppets.

The Mini Edges

It's funny how one is still being pushed as a main character on the show (Zack Ryder), while the other (Curt Hawkins) seems to have been reduced to a lackey for Muhammad Hassan.....or whoever that guy in the turban was. Sweet jebus, have they not learned that this 80s stereotype doesn't work anymore? Especially after that attack on the Undertaker, which coincided with London bombings years ago? Speaking of the Undertaker.....

Brothers Of Destruction

Damned if I know if this was meant to be a match, but I've always liked The Undertaker and Kane, even if they did face off against a bunch of "jabronies".

Charlie Sheen vs Daniel Bryan?

.....REALLY?????

6th Match/Finale

Admittedly, I skipped towards the end of the match, as I didn't feel there was any point to watching a match where anyone could easily predict the outcome. So I skipped to the point where CM Punk attacked The Rock. Well, at least I know who will be squaring off then come Royal Rumble.

Verdict

I wondered how Raw would pull off a 3 hour show. So from what I gather, what they need to fill 3 hours is as follows:

• 30 minutes of actual wrestling
• 30 minutes of ads
• 2 hours of constant talking

Which is why I've never been a fan of the TV shows that WWE produce. If I wanted to watch actual wrestling, I'll just stick to the PPVs. But if the show is 3 hours long, how long will the PPVs be? And I'm also surprised Smackdown hasn't been scrapped as of yet, considering the constant interchanging of talent between the two shows.

And on a final note.....

Well, this has admittedly become a rubbish blog entry, but I'm tired and a little pissy, so I needed to do something to occupy my time. I was going to find a clip of what made me laugh during the show (as I need something to cheer me up at the moment), but I stumbled upon this advertisment for the 1000th episode. This should do the trick:

Ten All American Videos!

Image found here:  http://thesocialgreen.com/2011/09/13/united-nonprofits-of-america/

Just thought I'd have a bit of fun, because it's July 4th. Which is.....

FUCK YEAH!

Gotta get me of of them.....or any nationality for that matter.....

Nothing more American than this guy.....well, except maybe The Punisher.....

No wait, I take that back.....

Here's something from America.....

I saw this in the cinema two days ago. I wonder if it's historically accurate.....

This guy is so American, even his name is Mr. America.....hmm, there's something oddly familiar about him.....

If that guy was Mr. America, then I say this woman should be Mrs. America. She may have turned 45 last Sunday, but I still would.....wait a minute, isn't she Canadian.....

And now, please rise for our National Anthem.....even though I'm not American.....